I have been touched deeply by loss this week. Each time I pick up my pen only one word makes it all the way out…
Tears are already at the edges of me…
I have given up more times than I can count. I walk away not knowing where to begin or what, if anything I can say. My thoughts are heavy and yet floating just out of reach. helpless.
Savannah, a beautiful young woman inside and out took her life this week.
I cannot stop thinking of her and of everyone who knew her.
I am Savannah’s best friend from first grade. We ate lunch side by side everyday and giggled over Green Eggs and Ham. When she was home sick my days were long and lonesome.
I am Savannah’s fifth grade math teacher. Her homework was messy and sometimes late but her laughing eyes were a bright spot in my life.
I am Savannah’s first kiss. We were both so scared. I’m glad it was her. I hope that she was glad it was me.
I am Savannah’s dear friend. I’ll never see The Birdcage without thinking of her. That funny part she liked so much we had to rewind and watch it over again. The next time, I’ll have a tissue handy, just in case.
I am Savannah’s best friend. How will I ever go back and walk through our shared home. The last time I saw her she said…
I am Savannah’s mother, numb with heartbreak.
I am everyone who ever knew Savannah. I am everyone she ever touched with her smile. Life will never be the same.
It is so short.
Even when life is long, it is short. Over and again that truth finds me. It’s a lesson I tire of learning.
Where were you the first time you learned that life was short?
Was it a happy moment? Ten years old blowing dandelion wishes…with a puff of breath they were gone…but they carried your dreams along with them…and so it felt hopeful.
Or was it a day of heartbreak full of thorns that left you with scars.
One keeps on. The woods are blessedly nearby and I have energetic companions who remind me to live this day, this one day in front of me in the best way that I can.
My path stretches before me. One step at a time…each one brings me closer to healing. Between the trees…cross the creek…through the fence…into the meadow…under wide open skies.
It is brilliant blue today and the sun is gentle and warming. The wind is stirring and musical. Just behind me the breeze suddenly gathers the dry leaves from the ground sending them whirling like a dervish many feet into the air…until they pass me by…and are gone…
No doubt this truth will come into my life again. Each time it’s just a little bit different. Every time it hurts.
But, it always reminds me…
Life is short…
Eat cookies for dinner, warm from the oven with ice cold milk.
Pour a glass of wine, take it to the porch swing and listen to the birds.
Stop saving your favorite dress. Wear it just because it’s Tuesday.
Laugh with those you care about. Cry with them too.
Hold hands at the zoo.
Blow iridescent bubbles and watch them until they land.
Roll down the windows, turn up the music and go for a drive to feel the wind blow in your hair.
You are far more important to more people than you will ever know. Tell them what they mean to you…because you still can…
do it all for Savannah
with love, suzanne ❤️
If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide please reach out for help.