I have been touched deeply by loss this week. Each time I pick up my pen only one word makes it all the way out…

Savannah…

Tears are already at the edges of me…

I have given up more times than I can count. I walk away not knowing where to begin or what, if anything I can say. My thoughts are heavy and yet floating just out of reach. helpless.

Savannah, a beautiful young woman inside and out took her life this week.

I cannot stop thinking of her and of everyone who knew her.

I am Savannah’s best friend from first grade. We ate lunch side by side everyday and giggled over Green Eggs and Ham. When she was home sick my days were long and lonesome.

I am Savannah’s fifth grade math teacher. Her homework was messy and sometimes late but her laughing eyes were a bright spot in my life.

I am Savannah’s first kiss. We were both so scared. I’m glad it was her. I hope that she was glad it was me.

I am Savannah’s dear friend. I’ll never see The Birdcage without thinking of her. That funny part she liked so much we had to rewind and watch it over again. The next time, I’ll have a tissue handy, just in case.

I am Savannah’s best friend. How will I ever go back and walk through our shared home. The last time I saw her she said…

I am Savannah’s mother, numb with heartbreak.

And Savannah…

I am everyone who ever knew Savannah. I am everyone she ever touched with her smile. Life will never be the same.

It is so short.

Even when life is long, it is short. Over and again that truth finds me. It’s a lesson I tire of learning.

Where were you the first time you learned that life was short?

Was it a happy moment? Ten years old blowing dandelion wishes…with a puff of breath they were gone…but they carried your dreams along with them…and so it felt hopeful.

Or was it a day of heartbreak full of thorns that left you with scars.

One keeps on. The woods are blessedly nearby and I have energetic companions who remind me to live this day, this one day in front of me in the best way that I can.

My path stretches before me. One step at a time…each one brings me closer to healing. Between the trees…cross the creek…through the fence…into the meadow…under wide open skies.

It is brilliant blue today and the sun is gentle and warming. The wind is stirring and musical. Just behind me the breeze suddenly gathers the dry leaves from the ground sending them whirling like a dervish many feet into the air…until they pass me by…and are gone…

No doubt this truth will come into my life again. Each time it’s just a little bit different. Every time it hurts.

But, it always reminds me…

Life is short…

Eat cookies for dinner, warm from the oven with ice cold milk.

Pour a glass of wine, take it to the porch swing and listen to the birds.

Stop saving your favorite dress. Wear it just because it’s Tuesday.

Laugh with those you care about. Cry with them too.

Hold hands at the zoo.

Blow iridescent bubbles and watch them until they land.

Roll down the windows, turn up the music and go for a drive to feel the wind blow in your hair.

Smile.

You are far more important to more people than you will ever know. Tell them what they mean to you…because you still can…

do it all for Savannah

with love, suzanne ❤️

********

If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide please reach out for help.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/

http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/united-kingdom-suicide-hotlines.html

http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/india-suicide-hotlines.html

http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/australia-suicide-hotlines.html

67 thoughts on “Savannah

  1. Words are inadequate to express the sadness I feel for you and Savannah. She clearly touched your life deeply. Your friendship and love will endure beyond her passing and it will stand as part of the legacy of her life along with all the other lives she touched while here.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your dear Savannah. There are no words that I can say that will help ease your pain but knowing people are thinking of you may help. Sending love and hugs ❤💛💜❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dear Suzanne, this post was unexpected. I’m very sorry to hear about the loss. Life is not always fair, sadly. Savannah is no longer here, but the smile and the spirit she left behind will be there, always. Take care ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I think I know how this kind of loss feels like Suzanne. I’ve encountered it myself. Someone drowned herself a few years ago, on a summer day. Someone I knew. I don’t encourage it but I think I understand it. One of my favourite writers San Mao (三毛), a Taiwan writer who ended her life in the same way. I think she said “If you know what I have gone through and my loss, then you will understand my choice”. It’s strange to say it Suzanne, I think I understand when she believed that it was the way for her to regain happiness. Take care ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You are such a treasure Isabelle. I’m grateful for your new found friendship. I’m sorry for your own loss. However it finds us, it never really leaves, does it. And as you say so beautifully – not to encourage but to understand – that is true compassion. I often tell my children – love people where they are and not where you want them to be. Thank you for the visit. ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Thank you for the kind and thoughtful words Suzanne. We’re quite similar, are we not. The way we approach life and the world. I cherish it, the way we change our thoughts and ideas, it’s such a free and liberating feeling. ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

      1. no thanks ever needed dear friend … warmest hugs and coming from someone who has been through what you are experiencing now, I may not be able to feel your pain but I can certainly understand it and know how deep it cuts … hugs and more hugs from the southern tip of the African continent

        Liked by 1 person

      1. no thank-yous ever … we have shared a pain that is deep and your pain is still fresh and raw and only time will dull that pain but it never goes away … because we will cherish their memories forever

        Liked by 1 person

      1. not kind at all … only those of us who have felt the pain can relate to one another. to lose a beloved part of our lives tears at our hearts and no words can really be helpful … we just have to grieve and let the emotions flow, my dear friend Suzanne

        Liked by 1 person

  4. “watery eyes” ended up as “wonderful” – I have lost two beloved friends, one cat and one dog and the pain is gut-wrenching. they say time heals but the memories remain with us for these dear companions who truly share unconditional love.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh yes, how very much they do. I lost my Rose a while back and miss her still. A sweet white lab with such a gentle soul. I know yours live on on your heart as well. Take care, suzanne 🌷

      Like

  5. I’m sorry for your loss. Too many (one or more) is too many.

    When my daughter was in high school, a friend of hers went home at lunch time, got his father’s gun and put an end to his just beginning life. Scott was a beautiful young man and so creative, talented and kind. His family would not accept that he had come out as gay…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. Yes, you’re so right. Savannah was my son’s dear friend. Her circumstances were very similar to the ones you’ve shared about your daughter’s friend. It must have been very hard on your daughter and by motherhood, you as well. So tragic in so many ways. Thank you so much for your kindness. I appreciate it very much. Take care 🌷

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Sorry to hear of this loss. There will be regrets, the “if only I’d done this/that.” I knew a suicide who was chronically depressed from, IMO, perfectionism. It was still a shock to learn he was gone. He was a great musician, and had a great many friends.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your student and friend. I am in a similar position as I lost a dear friend last week. She was also bipolar and determined to end her life. I am reassured by your words and they’ve given me some comfort. Thank you so much.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear friend. It kind of stays with you through the days doesn’t it and sadness catches you in moments when you least expect it. Thank you so much for your thoughts. It’s kind of you to share them with me and it eases me to know that perhaps my words reach out in comfort. Please take care, suzanne 🌷

      Like

  8. Beautiful. I’ve contemplated it many times, but it’s always the thought of those I love that brings me around. And I’ve learned that things are usually better in the morning. I lost an old friend to suicide last month. It does cause us to want to slow down and enjoy the small things.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry for the loss of your friend. Thank you for such heartfelt sharing. I’m glad that love has held you through such painful moments. I’m happy that you enjoyed this. Thank you kindly 🌷

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s