Nothing really…

What have you done today?

Nothing really

The day that wasn’t …

Well…


 I began with coffee in my favorite cup (the one you gave me) in the dark of the morning kitchen. The glow of a lamp while reading the words of one fairly gone from this world.

 I sent off some thoughts to here and to there. Most of them, probably delivered but unreturned. Except one who gracefully wishes me well even though I know she’d like to be in her own morning kitchen with her own cuppa. 

Here comes the day with music and sharing… laughter and sadness. My story of yellow.  I should really write that down. 

 I felt the threat of the thunder deep in my heart as my friends gathered closer up under my feet.  Safe from their fears of the crack in the sky. 


Simple food. Simple day. 

The gentle hum of football in the background. 

I walked in the forest still dripping with rain. Magically quietly clearing my cobwebs away.  Shiny leaves and tiny stirrings.  No one but me.  And my furry friends recovered from fear.  And the smallest toads crossing our path.  Hurry now.  Move fast.  


 I prayed. 

I cleaned and I froofed at this and at that. I even fed Fred the small tiny cat.

 I wandered my thoughts and wrote some of them down. The day that was yesterday. Trees that break down. 

 So many good writers with such grand things to say. I cried as I wondered why anyone would take time to care what’s in my heart. 

Just imagine – Steinbeck and Alcott and Miss Emily D writing and writing with no one to see. No social media. No immediacy. Would even they be overwhelmed and overlooked in an age such as this. But on they kept.  so I shall as well. Never to be them.  Only to be me.

At times I felt large enough. Other times small. 


A cookie. Another. And another…too many?  It’s all good.

I thanked God for the soft gray skies and a belly of rain. My lake will be filled! My fish will be happy! My morning glories will bloom! 

 Not mine. None of it mine. All His.

Whir of the fan. Soap bubbles at dusk.  Soon I’ll have pjs and pillows… and that’ll be grand.

 A word from afar.  A question from you.  my sweet sister.  And this my reply.  

What have I done today?  

Nothing really. 


Without the words 5 and Final

On my daily walk I often see a single feather abandoned by its owner.  Some are more captivating than others. I am surprised at times by their odd placements.  They all have one thing in common though.  “Hope is the thing with feathers…” springs instantly to my mind when I see one.  I smile inwardly.  I stop long enough to take a photograph.  Maybe I gather it up and take it home with me to adorn my  kitchen windowsill.  A graceful reminder.


For months I have known that one day the timing would be just right and I would post about this.  But it has turned out far different than I planned.  I imagined it as one feather in one photo with one stanza of poetry by one Emily Dickinson. One.

But recently feathers began appearing more often than usual.  And they were in such amazing places!  Agitation set in.  Faced with so many images, how would I ever narrow it to only one? I considered posting them together.  That would be too much.  I feared their individual beauty would be lost and none of them would stand out.  That wouldn’t do at all.

Since Bobolicious had made such a spectacle of himself I decided that his photos should definitely go first.  It’s always good to begin with a bit of good cheer.  Dobbs was included in this group for obvious reasons.  Mostly because he stopped long enough to notice the feather.  No matter how exuberant he can be, Dobby is far too short to pull off a Bo jumping type move.  He soon lost interest and wandered up the trail in pursuit of something more entertaining and closer to the ground.

I received a nice compliment and have fielded a few questions about this particular feather, the Bo feather.  How ever did you manage that?  Did you toss the feather into the air photographing it as it floated to the ground?  That sounds rather peaceful and manageable, now doesn’t it? Here’s the thing.  My real life in action goes something like this…  The very second that four medium to large dogs (because let’s not forget my furry constant companions) catch sight of me throwing Anything into the air, Everything would go south.  And quickly.  Including and especially Me! There would be no photos.  No feather.  No grand moment in time.  There would be only me mangled and bruised on the forest floor under a massive pile of dogs hoping for something yummy.  Something like…I don’t know… bacon treats maybe.  So yeah.  The first Without the words definitely did not occur by my gently tossing a feather and capturing beautiful photos as it descended gracefully to earth.  Not happening.

For now I’ll leave it as a beautiful mystery.  However, I will share with you that the photographs I post are my own and they’re quite real.  Each one is what I see and how I see it when I see it.  No computer enhancements and such.  In fact, I’m lousy at that and have no interest in becoming unlousy at it.  In a couple of the suspended pictures I even surprised myself.  It looks as though some enormous dinosaur of a bird dropped a feather into my very own woods on a random Tuesday.  How did that happpen? And what’s flying around up there that might want to eat me?! All about perspective I suppose.

Ok, I had narrowed down the photos to the first group not really knowing what I would do with the rest.  Take care of today and let tomorrow take care of itself, as I always say.  So… Since I was quoting an actual poem written by an actual person I thought it best to double check myself on the actual words.  And, that’s when I was gloriously reminded that there are two other stanzas to the poem.  I love the first stanza.  I love it so much that I usually forget that there are two others.  Even when I am reminded that they exist I breeze over them absentmindedly wondering – why didn’t she stop after the first one.  I mean it’s perfect.  Nevertheless, Agitation turned to inspiration! I was off and running with a series! A series? Ugh.  I shy away from posting too often.

I grew a great deal this week.  Sharing each morning gave me a joy I wasn’t expecting.  Readers will read  when they want to I learned. I needn’t worry about that. Write when the words come.  Publish when it feels right to you.  Leave the rest up in the air.  Divine Providence! Joyful Happenstance!  As one day gave way to the next I found myself aloft in a sky of feather images floating on a cloud of words set to paper by a woman I’ll never know, and wondering about Hope…

Hope is the thing… Emily Dickinson wrote 3 stanzas, 12 beautiful verses about hope.  She didn’t call it Hope. But then she didn’t title any of her poems.  She simply numbered them. This is number 254.   I wonder why she wrote them.  I wonder how it came to her.  Hopeless days seem so long and bleak.  Was it one of those times  for her? Was she searching for something to pull her through an unnamed sadness? Did she struggle to gather the words one by one out of a dark night by the dim light of a candle or a gas lamp?  Or… Did she watch a sunrise as the first birdsong of the morning floated through an open window? And there were the seeds of Hope full and rounded with promise.  Was every word an easily unwrapped gift to her soul on that day?

There are moments in life that are heavy.  My steps are slow and unsure.  You know the ones.  Your shoes feel laden with stones and your vision is clouded over.  No matter how much good is right in front of me, I’m just unable to see it.  I don’t really know what to do with myself in moments like that. I muddle through.

I’ve been writing on wordpress for a few months now.  Most of my posts are tucked contentedly away and I don’t think about them at all.  Except one that I cannot quite shake loose.   I return to it occasionally and remind myself that it was written with heart to give hope.  Still, I have come close to pulling it several times.  So far, I haven’t.  That post has been on my mind all week long.  I hurt for the struggles of others, the ones they graciously let me see, and the ones they keep quietly to themselves.  What can I do for you? How can I help? And sometimes there isn’t anything I can do…  That’s not completely true.  I can always hold them in my thoughts and prayers.  As intangible as that sounds I believe it’s by far the best thing any of us can offer one another.  When I see with my heart the pain that others bear, my own struggles seem so small.  In those moments I feel Inadequacy and Blessing.  It is an odd combination perhaps, but there I am.

I feel inadequate to fix it.  I want so badly to fix things in this life.  But many things are fine just the way they are even if I don’t understand them.  There is something graceful about the broken.  Visible scars are earned in invisible places.  Been there.  Done that.  Have the gold plated tee shirt to prove it!  Inadequacy gives me compassion.  Blessings bring me hope.  I am humbled by my own blessings.  How many good good things are all around me! Dare I say, around all of us?


Sunrise is a universal gift to everyone everyday.  Gentle breezes on a hot summer day don’t discriminate between rich and poor. Clouds are not selective.  They hold the promise of life giving rain for young and old alike.  The tallest redwoods stretch to the heavens as a reminder that strength is earned over time.  Whether you are man or woman makes no difference. The  monarch butterfly journeys inspiring distances. It does not matter if you move slowly or fast, just as the monarch, keep flying.  Although I cannot carry a tune, the birds sing for me as much as for the one who raises the sweetest voice.  Flowers bloom for everyone to enjoy!  They never stop to ask if you are happy or sad.  They offer themselves gracefully for all alike.  My blessing often comes barreling in on four legs leaving a heap of shedded fur behind.  What does yours look like?  

That is where hope resides, in the blessings. In the daily things that we overlook or forget to see. The feather, the beloved pet, the morning glory… These tiny wonders are the homes of hope.  Sometimes they arrive as words.

I write because I don’t know how not to write.  My thoughts come clearer on paper with pencil.  I write because the tiniest thing in my day is so often the most important of all.  Maybe it’s the same for you.  I measure my thoughts and words carefully before I abandon them here leaving them for you to find and do with what you will. Perhaps in this odd collection of feathers you’ll discover a smidgen of a forgotten something that will give you wings and carry your own thoughts to a place of hope.  I hope so.

Without the words? Are you kidding?!  Miss D accomplished that far better than I have. My story has rambled up a tree, through a nest, and across a wide open sky only to sing the same tune.  Hope is a song that is Always with You.  It is as close as your own heartbeat.  Be still.  Be quiet.  Listen.   What does your song sound like?

Hope is the thing with feathers

that perches in the soul,

and sings the song without the words,

and never stops at all,

 


And sweetest in the gale is heard;

and sore must be the storm

that could abash the little bird 

that kept so many warm.



Ive heard it in the chillest land,

and on the strangest sea;

yet, never, in extremity,

it asked a crumb of me.

 


Love Song of the Butterfly Pea

Nothing is so strong as gentleness.  Nothing is so gentle as real strength.  –  Frances de Sales

However does she do it?  Withstand the dangers of the forest floor? Paws trampling rough shod within inches.  I cringe at how close they come to harming her.  Little ones scampering the forest floor tearing at the leaf litter and digging for nourishment and treasure.  Summer storms showering her with debris from the heights of the woodland canopy.  She has brought joy to my path for three glorious days now.  How blessed am I?!  She will never see the ocean.  She will never travel to far off lands. She has only one tiny place to tend to in this great big world. Whatever may come to her on this one day, she cares for it with a beauty and grace that staggers my imagination. She moves as gently with the breeze as she stands strong in her place.   But how?  How is it so?  Has she something unseen deep within her petaled heart?  yes, my love…always…my love…

nuzzles

 Spring has arrived in East Texas. Signs of it are everywhere I look. Flowers. Butterflies. A thousand shades of green.  Greta.  And of course, this little guy.  He/she is not quite a week old.  Baby bunnies are like kittens.  It’s nearly impossible to tell their gender with accuracy for at least a month.  He entered the world Tuesday April 4 after dark.  I guess it really began a few weeks ago.  I became suspicious when I caught our dog Jack intensely focused on one particular spot of the back porch.  Days later I watched as he chased something from the yard into that very spot.  Both bodies were moving far too fast to decide what our new friend might be but I have had rabbits in the yard before so it was a guess in the right direction.  A few more days later I was returning from an evening walk.  As usual I stood at the open gate waiting for the dogs to trickle in one by one rather like a kindergarten teacher accounting for every little one coming in from the playground, hot and messy and tired.  Jack lingered at the edge of the woods before he began to run around in odd circles seemingly alone in the tall grass.  Soon he was headed straight for me and the open gate.  Good boy Jack!  Wait… Before him as fast as lightning a wild bunny came rip-roaring through the gate  nearly running over the top of my foot.  It sailed past me and straight to its safe spot…you guessed it…under the porch.  So, definitely a bunny under there.  That’s when I began to worry and hope beyond hope that it was Not an expectant female.  For the life of me I can’t imagine why she would want to nest in a yard with four large dogs.  Nevertheless, she Was expectant and Did nest inside the fence!  How do I know?  Well, Tuesday night Jack brought this little guy into the house, brand new.  Now, Jack isn’t bad.  He’s a wonderful dog who simply has a great nose and wants to play.  With everything.  To his mind he had found a fabulous new toy.  Although the mother had been seen diving under the porch more than once, locating a nest wouldn’t be nearly that easy especially in the dark.  Mother rabbits are not very attentive to their young.  They only visit the nest twice a day to feed the babies but otherwise steer clear of it so as not to attract potential predators like Jack.  All those times she lead Jack to the porch was probably a mother’s way of keeping his attention on her and away from where she  would give birth and keep her babies.  The bunny seemed newborn and fragile but otherwise unharmed.  First I made certain that Jack wouldn’t be able to get out for the rest of the night.  Next I lined a small deep basket with a towel and some fleece that I bundled around him for warmth.  Then waited for morning.  He made it through the night.  Check! I walked a slow path around the yard searching for signs of the nest or more babies.  I found both.  Rabbits nest on the ground almost in plain sight.  It’s bizarre how trusting they are and how we don’t stumble upon their nests more often.  A mother pulls back some leaf litter adds some of her own fur for warmth and softness, places the babies in and covers them lightly.  Then she leaves.  That’s it.  And like I already said, she only checks on the nest twice a day.  It would be futile to put a helpless baby bunny back into a place Jack already knew about.  So, there I was with a new baby to care for.  I did find another one.  He had been removed from the nest and left elsewhere in the yard uncovered and exposed to the chill of the night.  I provided him with the love and warmth that I could.  He refused to eat and the night’s exposure was too much.  He didn’t survive the day.  So much sadness right at the beginning.  But this one had a strength about him to keep on.  He accepted me as a surrogate mother.  He sucked down his special formula fidgety but adapting to an eye dropper instead of a mother’s nipple.  Hunger won out over the oddity of it I suppose.  He relieved himself Really Well!  That’s so important with a baby like him.  If plenty comes out then you can rest knowing that plenty is getting in.  So many fun things to think about!  In less than a week he’s become a sizable part of my thoughts and of my days.  Even now as I write his basket is nearby so that I can peer in pull back the fleece and assure my fretful heart that all is still well. He knows the sound of me, the scent of me and perks up his tiny ears and wiggles his tiny nose when I come near.  When Jack brought him in on Tuesday night I was afraid.  I went through this last spring.  It was touch and go for days on end.  That little one didn’t make it. I failed.  I failed period.  I failed him.  I cried…for him, for what might have been, for the loss of a tiny life that I came to love.  I know that wild bunnies are very hard to raise and it probably had nothing to do with anything that I did or didn’t do.  But knowing a thing  and believing it in your heart are two different things.  So, when this baby found his way into my life and my days I was afraid.  The truth is I still am.  He’s far from out of the woods yet.  I keep on.  I hope.  I open my heart and offer him the love that I have doing the best I can to help him live.  I wonder if his own mother is feeling lost and lonesome.  There is already talk of a small piece of fencing that might allow her to enter but keep out Jack if she should choose to nest again in this new favorite spot.  The baby’s sweet days have a simple structure.  Eat and be loved.  On my end there’s more to it than that.  Prepare formula.  Clean and sanitize all of his eating and formula supplies.  Feed him slowly at his own pace.  Clean him. Clean his supplies.  check. check. check.  We humans love to score and to tally.  We love to make lists and cross things off when accomplished.  He ate. He urinated. He slept.  check.  check.  check.  Success!  Life isn’t a giant score card.  My life isn’t and neither is his.  One cannot tally everything and why would you even want to.  Success cannot be measured in check marks.  I love the way he reaches for the sound of my voice.  I love the way he licks his lips.  I love the way he drinks his milk when he’s hungry.  I love the way he nuzzles against the warmth of me when his tummy is full and he’s ready to fall back asleep.    I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.  I don’t know if he will make it.  Although everything that I don’t know makes me afraid, I will keep on.  Choosing to love him and care for him.  And if another tiny life should find its way to me in a week or in a year, I will do all of this again in spite of the fear.   Life isn’t about check marks or crossing things off a list.  Life is about how much love you give.  Life is in the nuzzles.

Rare Jungle Birds

**

**

Pileated woodpeckers!

They are huge birds at two feet tall.  

They don’t show themselves very often.  

Once in a while I catch a glimpse of them as they sweep through the forest.

But I always hear them before I see them.

They sound so out of place in east Texas. I ask myself if something has escaped from a rainforest exhibit at the local zoo. Seriously! Their resounding call is tropical, even Amazonian.  

The first few times I heard it, I thought, what is That?!  Now, I recognize the song and smile inwardly.

Recently I found this tree. After a bit of research I figured out that it is their handiwork.  Clearly they are as fierce and powerful in their hunting as one might imagine.

Pileated woodpeckers dig more thoroughly than an archeologist fresh on the trails of ancient history. The fresh pale color of the shavings tells the story of spring nesting and hungry babies. I have not sighted the birds themselves yet.

But, no doubt, they are nearby…

Rare jungle birds have come home.

****

ellie894 March 18, 2019

St. Patrick’s

May you find light

To chase away the shadow

May you find peace

To a weary soul give rest

May you find cheer

To brighten every moment

May you find grace

To forever fill your loving heart

****

ellie894 March 17, 2017

The sun is trying so hard to light up St. Patrick’s Day this morning ☀️