fire will never be water…

One cannot blame the water for doing what water does

Anymore than one can blame the fire

All things of this world are simply what they are

They come and they go

Seeking solace and balance,

Their own sweet place in this odd turn of events

That we call life

Letting go of all they are not meant to be

To be only what they are

Fire will never be water

Air will never be earth

And me…

I am a piece of them all

I am the wind that blows, thoughts drifting through my mind

I am the land, a dusty shell that walks the path only for a while

I am the fire, created in a moment of passion,

Seeking to feed the flame

I am the water, life giving and nourishing, 

Deeper than can be seen

I am all of these, and spirit as well

The breath that comes from somewhere

The knowing that comes from nowhere

And if one by one they each left me…

What would I be then

Would I be anything at all

Or would I vanish in a flash

Buried in the dust

Drowned by the water

Burned within the flame 

Carried unseen by the wind

To a new place 

Not even imagined yet…

****

ellie894 December 16, 2019

on the night swing…

On the night swing

Silence reigns peacefully…

One, two, three…

I begin to count the stars,

Soon, I realize there aren’t nearly enough.

Where did they get away to,

Did they become wishes,

And did they come true…

With an upward gaze and an open heart,

I fly from here to soar the heavens

And tiptoe there among them.

They sparkle with a surety and a grace

That sends me back through time

Into a shining darkness of uncountable nights.

Ones that came before so many counterfeit lights of man.

There was an age

When stars outnumbered the neon glow.

I miss it much…

Do those that are left in the heavens look to us now,

In mystery, as we do them.

Are they intrigued by our sparklers of one kind and another.

Do they surmise that some of their very own

Have fallen into this dusty corner of space…

…to enchant us mere women and men…

…maybe.

Is that how a wish is born,

Does a star choose to fall,

Because it heard the distant whisper of a thought…

It hopes,

And draws close,

Close enough to listen…

To the stories of you and me.

…maybe.

But, I ask,

Do they still enchant us,

Or have we replaced them

With something that will never be real.

Desire beckons to me

To find a somewhere

Where once again, the lights of us are few to none,

And the stars are free

To reign in silence

From their own celestial home

Where they belong….

****

ellie894 September 8, 2019

all at once I know…

I cannot yet say that there’s a welcome chill in the air

…but it is finally September…

Could you hear the sigh in me

As I wrote it out full…

September…

Last night a deer felt at home in the field

This morning,

A hawk graces the sky above me

My creek saunters on

As lyrically as always

To wherever it goes

But to my gaze it all seems the tiniest bit different

Far more exquisite than mere words

Can tell

It shimmers from the inside

As though by a faery’s whispered spell

I take a step

And another

…and another still

Gentle ones made carefully

So as not to disturb the tender things

That call the ground home

While I search the pine straw for a feather

…there isn’t one to be found

Perhaps there will be when I return

In time for the sun to wish me goodnight

Oh, eventime…

Will the colors be brilliant in their last hurrah

Or faded and comforting

Like my favorite soft jeans

We’ll see

But I don’t want to miss this moment

In anticipation of that one

And so back to now,

Woodpeckers knocking behind me

And turtles preparing to laze themselves long

Hour after hour

Upon the finest fallen log

I wonder at what they will see

While I am away this day

I breathe deeply in

The sweet air of a new dawn

After all it is September…

Some days there is a peace that comes

That nearly overwhelms me,

As silent as a single feather drifting

As mighty as the golden setting sun

All at once my heart knows

Beyond all knowing

That this…

…this is what love feels like…

****

ellie894 September 4, 2019

I could play with these thoughts a while longer and make them just so. I wonder if I’ve made a mistake somewhere that I’ll discover only after I share. So please forgive any missteps. I want only to give them away before this day gets away from me. They’re yours now and my hope is that you’ll find something lovely in them of your very own to keep. May you all find joy and kindness in the days ahead. ❤️

I lollyed as of late

I Lollyed as of late,

in a soft and lingering spell

of not much,

except for faery and wishes and such.

yes, it’s a word.

I just made it up,

so as to tell you this very story.

I often make up words,

when there isn’t one that says quite what I would like it to.

Lolly is a little like wander,

but, not really.

There is less thinking in Lolly,

and more…knowing.

As sweet as a butter mint,

melting in your mouth.

As enchanting as a bird

taking off to the heavens.

You follow as long as you are able…

softening your gaze,

so you can see,

that which no one else can.

Lolly wings you farther away

than you have ever been

in a single dawn to dusk.

No clocks hang there,

Ticking…where you should be.

instead..

only dreamy escapes at half past maybe three.

A train will carry you there,

ferry you there,

tarry you there…

until the gentle rhythm

eases your weary spirit

in a way you didn’t believe possible.

Disembark now,

let go the path…

but not alone.

You are never alone.

There is no far apart in Lollying…

…only ever closer.

Didn’t you know?

eventually……you will arrive,

in a breezy glen of painted blossoms,

ruffled and freckled

and tenderly laced.

Fragile petals spilling over the edges

into tomorrow circle

and backwards too

into yesterday lane.

Beyond even this prize

is a cozy dozy nook

of forget me not treasure

simply waiting to be discovered…

right here…

almost too small

for searching grownup eyes

are the tiniest letters

carved ever so carefully,

marking this place

our place

then and now and…

always…

****

ellie894 April 4, 2019

If you would have a heart to love

I retrace my path of yesterdays, a step and two and three

At the edge of where the ocean comes to land

And where my heart is free…

*

I pause in awestruck wonder…

An enormous hourglass of wood and clearest crystal

Suspended above the terra firma, afloat in a cloudy sky

I cannot see you within, my love

But, my heart knows you are there and I am lost in why…

*

The sands of a thousand days and more

Have flown and settled here one simple grain by one

*

A life they make, full and rich with much of this and that

Yet, as I stand outside of it and gaze at the towering mountain within….

*

I know in my very depths…

My love…he cannot breathe…

For the weight of it all upon him now, he has never any ease

*

The sands of time are closing in with each and every passing day

They tighten so about him

He cannot rest, or find his way

*

Infinitely it swirls upon itself letting not a single thing escape

My thoughts, they spiral in a pleading search

Hoping for an answer robed in grace

*

I am very small…whatever can I do…

*

Within my reach a gleaming sword stands ready

In silence does it wait

I fear it will be too much for me to wield

I fear I will fall short…

But, for my love

I choose and try

To take it firmly by the hilt

And raise it high

I swing with all I am

And although the glass is met…it trembles only slightly

Over and over I brandish the blade

Against the clear enclosure

Yet, to no avail…

Worn and weary…I fear that I have failed

I drop the steel,

Watching as it crashes to the ground

…my heart begins to weep…

…to cry without a sound…

*

This trap of holding time

How smooth and cold it is, and heavy with the world,

I close my eyes

While my fingers, feather soft reach forth in gentle touch…

And, with such as that, in less than a whisper

I hear the echo of a break begin…

A tiny fissure runs along the side…

*

What ray of hope is this!

*

One single grain of sand slips out

Racing through the air to solid earth

Another follows…and another still…

Until it becomes a healing stream of letting go…

*

The sandy scars of days that have been crushed upon each other

Swiftly fall away…

The rhythm of my heart begins to beat anew

As the melody of life does play

*

Soon enough the weight on him will lighten

My love will breathe once more

The morning air of a hopeful dawn

Fresh and simply pure

*

Time is neither linear or by a circle bound

*

One needn’t have an hourglass

To forever turn

And so command the moments

Within your heart to always burn

*

As the minutes and the hours fall

Joy and sorrow, both therein

We seek to collect them each around us

In a vain attempt to hold too many all at once

It is a fearful thing, this holding

And we begin to suffer from the force of it

*

Let the sand slip easily through

And come to rest where it belongs, upon an open shore

Caressed by tender winds

Kissed hungrily by ocean waves of evermore

*

If we would have breath to live

And heart to love

We cannot carry the entirety of our days

We were never asked to…

*

Like the sturdy world beneath our feet,

Moments are intended to hold Us…

Not us to hold them…

*

Mark the days if you must, my love

But only live them one by one

And let each of them gently go when their now is done…

*

Time was never meant to be contained within a glass

No matter how beautifully crafted it may be

*

So, I offer you this…

*

Gaze sweet and long into the endless ever blue

Warm yourself in the fire of the golden rising sun

Wish for wisdom from your guiding star

Dream deeply in the night for all the beauty yet to come

*

And last but mostly this, I hope for you to fly…

And breathe in ease and knowing love

I shall always be nearby…

****

ellie894 January 2, 2018

I Love Spaghetti!

I Love Spaghetti!

She declared to me

I haven’t had it in four long years

Because…

My husband doesn’t like it

This spaghetti in a can

I’m going to eat if for dinner

Tonight!

He can have a sandwich

Is that bad…

She inquired of me

Before she flew away…

Not waiting for an answer

Not needing an answer

Not from me anyway

How long it took her to find her way here

Tethered me in sadness

But then…

Her moment of unbridled freedom

Gifted me with hope…

I Love Spaghetti!

I haven’t eaten it in Four years…

****

I was at the market taking my time when this woman happened upon me. I don’t know her and will never see her again. Our exchange was less than sixty seconds and yet I cannot forget her. She shared a heart’s love and sacrifice with me in less time than it took me to write this sentence…and left me with tears in my eyes…as she walked away determined and smiling…

When was the last time you ate spaghetti…

****

ellie894 October 21, 2018

asterisks and missing pieces

her heart was rent, her center would not hold – Sarah Ban Breathnach

I have spent the second part of my life breaking the stones, drilling the walls, smashing the doors I placed between the light and myself in the first part of my life. – Octavio Paz

My Dad loves puzzles these days.  The ones made of cardboard that when all the pieces fit just so, it comes together to reveal a beautiful image.  

This morning I have kept the world at arms length.  My quiet side cried out for whispers of grace descending from the tree tops. To write.  To manage a whole thought at once rather than broken into crumbs spilled upon the counter.  They will never be whole again.  They’re fine as they are of course.  Crumbs add a lovely crunch to the top of a casserole.  Crumbs are a feast fit for the birds. The dogs will happily devour every single one of them and ask for more.

But crumbs do not give the beauty of a whole picture.  There is nothing well rounded and finished about them. They are only bits that are no longer part of the story.    

300, 500, 1,000 piece puzzles dumped onto a table look like a big pile of crumbs. But these are different. These have edges and corners. In time and with diligence they will fit together just right.  They will become what they were always meant to be, a lovely image.  For now though, they are a messy pile and where in the world does one begin?  

 I know the rules of the game.  Of course there are rules.  There are always rules, even when they’re unspoken ones.  Edges come first and foremost.  Define the parameters. Create the form. Then and only then can one begin  to get to the good stuff, the heart of the thing.  An image begins to emerge. Pieces begin to fit.  You See Something.  Excitement builds.  I got this.  One piece and then another. Until…

A snag. You’re closing in on completion but something’s missing.  Hopefully all the pieces are present and accounted for.  Hopefully nothing has fallen to the floor or gotten itself hidden somehow.  Yes, puzzle pieces do have the ability to move from place to place without your help.  Didn’t you know?  What follows is a frenzied and all out search.  It can’t be!  It Has to be here.  You’re on hands and knees combing every inch of the floor.  You revisit the empty box…for the fourth time, just to be sure.  

You fight the puzzle.  You fight yourself.  You’ve been looking too hard for too long.  You can no longer see.  

Walk away. Take a break. Give your eyes a rest   Let the puzzle wait.  It’s not going anywhere. Maybe it is…but that’s another story altogether, a fairy tale I think.  When you return the piece shows itself.  It was hidden amongst the others all along.  There in plain sight.  One has to let go to see.  It fits right into its place snug along the edges and hugging all the curves.  The puzzle is done.  The image is complete.  You stand back and admire the beauty of it with great satisfaction.  A momentary victory.  A small oohrah! 

Already your mind races forward. Hmmm. Do I leave it here? After all, it took me so much time.  I should enjoy my efforts for a while.  If I do that though, I won’t be able to use the table.  Hmmm.  I could glue it. Then I could admire it forever.  I’m not much for that though. I’d have to store it or frame it or who knows what else.  Hmmm.  There’s only one thing to be done.  Dismantle it.  Take it apart.  Tuck all the little pieces safely at home in their box.  Put it aside for another day or another person to enjoy.  The time of this puzzle has come and gone.  It lingered for awhile but now it’s time to let it go.  

I’m not much of a puzzle person to be honest. I’d rather be moving about or painting or…writing.  Words are my pieces and writing is my puzzle.  I love to gaze at the empty page. My pen is poised and  ready…when my thoughts catch up to me and the words come together just so.  Yes, yes, that one hugs the others perfectly.  Or, the inevitable scratch out… no, no, that’s not what I mean at all.  

I pause over the messy page not quite knowing where to go next. – I guess I should walk the dogs.  After all they’ve been staring at me for a good 20 minutes now, and wrestling with one another in doggy fashion beneath my feet.  We’ve been soooo good for soooo long.  Seriously.  Don’t you need a break? Aren’t we cute?  You should really stop what you’re doing for a while and play with us instead.  It’ll be good for you.  Promise.  They’re right of course.  They always are.  I let out a sigh of great exasperation at their infinite and all encompassing wisdom that I have to work so hard for.

Shoes on my feet.  Music to settle my soul.  Off we go then.  Trees above.  Dirt beneath.  My joyful four legged companions.  I walk and I wait. I wait for the right words to find me.  Always, they do.

Whenever I fight it, the puzzle, the words, the dailiness of life, it never works out then.  I waste myself spinning ever inwards tightening to a place so small that I cannot see the missing piece.  It waits patiently in plain sight.  It is in letting go that I gently circle forth again just as the graceful curves of a paper nautilus spiral outwards beautifully away from self. Only then does my vision clear enough to see what was right before me all along.

My Dad is the smartest man I’ve ever known.  He was never much of a puzzle person either, the cardboard variety.  But give him a real life problem and just watch his engineering brain take hold and keep on.  He wasn’t afraid to take anything apart in his thoughts or with his hands over and again until he had completely mastered the what and how and why of it.  Still, sometimes the solution evaded him.  Seemingly, he would let go of the whole dilemma.  His efforts turned to bread making or gardening.  Often he would wander through a well loved book, the old fashioned kind.  None of this e-reader stuff.  Dad read books that feel heavy in your hand as they carry you to another place and time. He kept a pencil near when he read so as to make his signature asterisk to mark the passages he found most meaningful.  Oh how I love to come across one of Dad’s asterisks, a hidden treasure to be sure.  

Suddenly the answer was there hovering just within reach of him and he’d go back to the problem now able to fill in the missing piece.  Done! Complete! Whole! 

And then, he put it away.  Dad knew better than to leave a “done puzzle” on the table to be stared at.  He knew when it was time to gather it up, put it back in its box, and pass it along.  He learned all the lessons the puzzle offered him, pondered every piece as he held it in his hands. He knew all too well that the blessing of the puzzle was in the journey of it, never in the preservation of it.  Time to let go to make room for the next one. 

Like me, Dad was never much interested in cardboard puzzles. He was far more fascinated by the ones of real life. But these days Dad works at the beautiful cardboard pieces with a quiet intensity.  He can just manage 100 pieces and even that takes time.  The daily puzzles of his life have changed.  They’ve become something different than they were before.  He no longer solves big things for many.  But, you should see his warm contented smile when he fits that final piece of the image right where it belongs.  And then just as easily, he lets the whole thing go.  The journey of one puzzle beautifully complete. The thrill of the next waiting just within reach…

I love you Dad